Good bye high school!

I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!

Warning: this is a short post. Just letting everyone know I'm alive!

SUMMER PLANS

So, the summer is quickly approaching- I've taken out my sandals, shorts, and light shirts out of the box in my attic and brought them back downstairs, ready to be worn on sunny days like these. I've already started to turn more olive- but since I haven't been outside in a bikini yet, it's really an unflattering shorts/shirt tan that I have =p.

I also landed a law internship (YAY), which I'll be at Monday-Friday during the summer. I guess it's a bit of a bummer that I won't be on the beach everyday, but I'm really lucky to have gotten it- plus, it's really great experience.

PERSONAL UPDATES:

A guy I'm in love with is heavily considering enlisting into the army, and I'm crushed.

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I've started partying since the spring, and I've tried some things - no regrets at all so far, I'm learning a lot about myself this way.

I'm starting to write in a diary again! I thought the summer before college was an ideal time to write in this pretty rose notebook I've saved for years but was too afraid to write in, since it was so nice looking =p.

I'm thinking up a list of things I have to grow some courage and do before the summer ends. I will definitely post it.

Much love,

New York Chique

I'm not dead, I'm just changed.

Hey everyone, I know I haven't posted in a while...but it's all this college stress, senior year, pressure getting to me. I've changed so much this year from last year. I went from having a boyfriend who was actually in love with me to being some pathetic girl with a crush on some guy who doesn't even talk to me. I went from having a good set of friends (actually, I'm exagerating. but still) to feeling like I'm constantly being left and weeding out who's a bad friend and who's an actual friend.

I realized something that I learned on the Spain trip- once you have one person who adores you, you don't need anybody else. Nothing else really matters for long. And that's my rude awakening this year- last year I had a lover/best friend, and that was all I needed to be happy, to look forward to going to school, to have someone to tell all my news to. I went from begging my boyfriend back to accepting it, then begging again, then hating him, to just avoiding him altogether. I'm starting to get over him though, I can feel it. That's a good thing, since he wants nothing to do with my anymore.

What's horrible about it is I keep having flashes of memory of us snuggling and kissing and playing. But besides that, I'm starting to slowly forget....


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So I have a crush on this guy who doesn't seem to have any friends, but it seems he's like that because he hates everyone. Someone mentioned that he thinks he's superior to everyone at our school. How horrible, but I know a lot of people end up feeling that way at our school. Maybe because I feel so lonely lately I want to connect. He's not handsome, but somehow he's kind of beautiful. I've tried to talk to him a few times but I feel like an idiot everytime I do; plus, apparently tons of people have crushes on him? I didn't know loners were so appealing! haha. Mostly I like him because he's tall, really calm, and seems like one of the few sincere people at our school. But I'm trying really hard not to think about it, because I don't want to put my hopes up or anything. We've only started 'small-talking' this year, but we barely know eachother. Also, I think my friends might be sick of hearing me blab about him...

And I'm not sure if I'm being delusional by liking him; do I really like him, or am I too caught up with what we could be. I'm moving too fast in my head, we're not even friends. For some reason i just feel like I relate, somehow. Maybe I'm just being weird. That's what happens after being thrust out of such a long relationship. Why can't I just find someone who adores me, I hate being the one who pursues. Why Why Why.

I swear I will make a fashion post soon. I must be such a dissapointing blogger!

I'm going to a halloween party tomorrow night, possibly with a friend and another friend. I did get to know some people better this year, they're cool. I guess I'm happy about that =]

I'm a little worried I'll do something silly, and somehow it'll get back to my crush. He doesn't bother with these parties, and I feel like (if he cared) he'd judge me. I wish he were going.

So should I just let myself go crazy? Who cares what everyone thinks, I'll ditch them all in a year when we all leave high school. This is why I miss having a boyfriend- it was the one person I felt like, if everything went wrong, we could always just run in the dark in parks when the moon was out and it would feel like we were the only two people alive. I wish I could go back to that night.

My Costume: Referee. Unoriginal, but it does the job. ;]...Don't judge, I know you all are!

Good night =]

If you comment, I'll love you forever

UNINSPIRED.

I've tried to reason myself to make another intricate Spain post, but I've started to feel terribly dry, and uninspired to write anything interesting enough for the public. I have started to write the first drafts of my college essay, and I have started another blog- but it's completely and utterly private. Basically for writing about my deeper thoughts, things that I don't think people would want to read if I paid them to.

But I think I'll give you a taste, because really, I can't write anything else. I promise a Spain post eventually.

It's like, sometimes I feel so confident and great (I've started a mission to wear no makeup! I've started to primp my face and pamper my skin.) and in the mornings when I get dressed, I know I gained a few pounds after I came back from the trip, but it doesnt bother me all too much (yet).

But then in the nighttime, when I have more time to think, I start to go insane! All I can think about is how my life is going to change so quickly soon (college). Or I start to think about what I wish I were doing at that very moment, if only I were older, had a car, I could do so many things that I want to- to travel and experience things, you know? Or I'll start to dream about the spain trip and I start to miss it terribly, because it opened my eyes to how much my life has become a routine. I really want to go out into the city at night with a good friend, and be carefree. And I start to really wish my life were different, that maybe I'd be happier, and all those superficial and ungrateful thoughts come rushing- that if onlyyy if onlyyy if onlyyy.

Ugh, and the most pathetic of all, is that I feel like now I only have a few friends left- not because I did anything wrong (I dont think), but rather because last year I think that I sort of lost touch with my best friend, and then I slowly started to lose touch with other friends, and as soon as you can blink, I don't really have friends I can really count on, but instead a huge amount of friendly aquiantances. And then that starts to get me worried about how I'm not the most outgoing person, and i kind of wish I weren't so anxious in front of poeple I feel intimidated by, and how I really try to be less shy but sometimes it's just so hard. Just unpleasant thoughts. I wish I could change my personality and be funnier, and more outgoing, charming, and amazing, but I'm just a boring but nice girl. Well at least I think so.

So I guess I'm a shy, confused, dreaming, slightly-lonely, sketchy-blogger, who can't inspire herself to write for her life.

Great.

I think this is the most important thing= And I don't know if my guy friend will read this, but ever since the Spain trip, I've just become so confused with everything- like what love is, and what life is, and who I am as a person. And I feel terrible, because I put so much strain on the relationship, but unfortunatly we're not really together anymore, because of me. Because I don't really know what I'm looking for anymore. I don't understand what real love means anymore. Gah. I sound really dramatic, but that's how it goes. Does anyone understand that feeling?

So, that's my post. Thanks to those who have kept commenting me, I really appreciate it! Every time someone comments, I can't help but feel good that someone actually read what I wrote, or took the time to click on my blog. Thanks so much, it's really kind of all of you! =]

-New York Chique