Friday, October 23, 2009

I'm not dead, I'm just changed.

Hey everyone, I know I haven't posted in a while...but it's all this college stress, senior year, pressure getting to me. I've changed so much this year from last year. I went from having a boyfriend who was actually in love with me to being some pathetic girl with a crush on some guy who doesn't even talk to me. I went from having a good set of friends (actually, I'm exagerating. but still) to feeling like I'm constantly being left and weeding out who's a bad friend and who's an actual friend.

I realized something that I learned on the Spain trip- once you have one person who adores you, you don't need anybody else. Nothing else really matters for long. And that's my rude awakening this year- last year I had a lover/best friend, and that was all I needed to be happy, to look forward to going to school, to have someone to tell all my news to. I went from begging my boyfriend back to accepting it, then begging again, then hating him, to just avoiding him altogether. I'm starting to get over him though, I can feel it. That's a good thing, since he wants nothing to do with my anymore.

What's horrible about it is I keep having flashes of memory of us snuggling and kissing and playing. But besides that, I'm starting to slowly forget....


So I have a crush on this guy who doesn't seem to have any friends, but it seems he's like that because he hates everyone. Someone mentioned that he thinks he's superior to everyone at our school. How horrible, but I know a lot of people end up feeling that way at our school. Maybe because I feel so lonely lately I want to connect. He's not handsome, but somehow he's kind of beautiful. I've tried to talk to him a few times but I feel like an idiot everytime I do; plus, apparently tons of people have crushes on him? I didn't know loners were so appealing! haha. Mostly I like him because he's tall, really calm, and seems like one of the few sincere people at our school. But I'm trying really hard not to think about it, because I don't want to put my hopes up or anything. We've only started 'small-talking' this year, but we barely know eachother. Also, I think my friends might be sick of hearing me blab about him...

And I'm not sure if I'm being delusional by liking him; do I really like him, or am I too caught up with what we could be. I'm moving too fast in my head, we're not even friends. For some reason i just feel like I relate, somehow. Maybe I'm just being weird. That's what happens after being thrust out of such a long relationship. Why can't I just find someone who adores me, I hate being the one who pursues. Why Why Why.

I swear I will make a fashion post soon. I must be such a dissapointing blogger!

I'm going to a halloween party tomorrow night, possibly with a friend and another friend. I did get to know some people better this year, they're cool. I guess I'm happy about that =]

I'm a little worried I'll do something silly, and somehow it'll get back to my crush. He doesn't bother with these parties, and I feel like (if he cared) he'd judge me. I wish he were going.

So should I just let myself go crazy? Who cares what everyone thinks, I'll ditch them all in a year when we all leave high school. This is why I miss having a boyfriend- it was the one person I felt like, if everything went wrong, we could always just run in the dark in parks when the moon was out and it would feel like we were the only two people alive. I wish I could go back to that night.

My Costume: Referee. Unoriginal, but it does the job. ;]...Don't judge, I know you all are!

Good night =]