Tuesday, August 11, 2009

If you comment, I'll love you forever


UNINSPIRED.

I've tried to reason myself to make another intricate Spain post, but I've started to feel terribly dry, and uninspired to write anything interesting enough for the public. I have started to write the first drafts of my college essay, and I have started another blog- but it's completely and utterly private. Basically for writing about my deeper thoughts, things that I don't think people would want to read if I paid them to.

But I think I'll give you a taste, because really, I can't write anything else. I promise a Spain post eventually.

It's like, sometimes I feel so confident and great (I've started a mission to wear no makeup! I've started to primp my face and pamper my skin.) and in the mornings when I get dressed, I know I gained a few pounds after I came back from the trip, but it doesnt bother me all too much (yet).

But then in the nighttime, when I have more time to think, I start to go insane! All I can think about is how my life is going to change so quickly soon (college). Or I start to think about what I wish I were doing at that very moment, if only I were older, had a car, I could do so many things that I want to- to travel and experience things, you know? Or I'll start to dream about the spain trip and I start to miss it terribly, because it opened my eyes to how much my life has become a routine. I really want to go out into the city at night with a good friend, and be carefree. And I start to really wish my life were different, that maybe I'd be happier, and all those superficial and ungrateful thoughts come rushing- that if onlyyy if onlyyy if onlyyy.

Ugh, and the most pathetic of all, is that I feel like now I only have a few friends left- not because I did anything wrong (I dont think), but rather because last year I think that I sort of lost touch with my best friend, and then I slowly started to lose touch with other friends, and as soon as you can blink, I don't really have friends I can really count on, but instead a huge amount of friendly aquiantances. And then that starts to get me worried about how I'm not the most outgoing person, and i kind of wish I weren't so anxious in front of poeple I feel intimidated by, and how I really try to be less shy but sometimes it's just so hard. Just unpleasant thoughts. I wish I could change my personality and be funnier, and more outgoing, charming, and amazing, but I'm just a boring but nice girl. Well at least I think so.

So I guess I'm a shy, confused, dreaming, slightly-lonely, sketchy-blogger, who can't inspire herself to write for her life.

Great.

I think this is the most important thing= And I don't know if my guy friend will read this, but ever since the Spain trip, I've just become so confused with everything- like what love is, and what life is, and who I am as a person. And I feel terrible, because I put so much strain on the relationship, but unfortunatly we're not really together anymore, because of me. Because I don't really know what I'm looking for anymore. I don't understand what real love means anymore. Gah. I sound really dramatic, but that's how it goes. Does anyone understand that feeling?

So, that's my post. Thanks to those who have kept commenting me, I really appreciate it! Every time someone comments, I can't help but feel good that someone actually read what I wrote, or took the time to click on my blog. Thanks so much, it's really kind of all of you! =]

-New York Chique

23 comments:

moonflower said...

i know how you feel about the 'boring but nice' thing. i feel like this quite a lot, i do worry and wish i was funnier/ more outgoing etc. I'm a dreamer too; I'm always dreaming how things could be or how I want them to be; idealizing situations. I don't think i have a lot of confidence in myself. I do also partly agree about the friend thing; in my closest friendship group; there are two girls who are pretty much best friends, and then two gay guys, one of whom used to be my best friend but now has a boyfriend and i never see him anymore... and then another girl friend, who left sixth form college and sticks to her best friend like glue. and then there's me! i have other close friends, but they all have proper best friends as well. there is another girl who i think is in a similar boat to me who i am very close to; but she is only in that boat because she did something to piss a lot of people off! but she hasn't done anything to annoy me and i don't want to be angry at her i think... i do sympathise with her.
but yes, i do kind of get what you mean. i feel a little bit lonely sometimes too; i hate it when you lose a best friend; you suddenly realise the relationship isn't quite what it was anymore. :( i do have lots of other friends, but not so much a best friend anymore. hope that helps :)
im confused about life too.
woah. long comment!

moonflower said...

http://exquisiteindifference.blogspot.com/

my blog :)

Au Revoir said...

Hey!

I am so so glad you wrote this because I went through the same feelings last year as I was starting college and choosing a university. I actually thought i had everything all down like, I narrowed it down to two universities that both accepted me and then I visited them and chose one. I went in to college thinking I knew exactly what I wanted, I chose biology as my major and a pre-med emphasis. Then things took a spin, my classes were much harder than I thought theyd be even though I was an honors, AP, straight A's kind of girl in high school. However, I survived the first year and fell in love with in the university, and then this summer I found out my parents couldn't afford to keep me there so I have to go to a community college and I may be switching to nursing....I've just been so confused because all your life you think you know what you want, what your going to be, but that image can change so quickly. I hope i didnt scare you or anything eek. At this point I'm just holding on to hope <3

Au Revoir said...

Lol i just reread my comment and noticed it was poorly written. haha sorry!I hope you manage to understand it

Alanna said...

Wow. It's like MY brain exploded all over your blog and I just read it.
I totally have the same problem-I'm fine during the day, but then when I have to go to sleep, I spend WAY too much time thinking and end up depressing myself.

About the lack of inspiration: It will come back. I go through periods where I don't feel inspired to write/draw/blog, but then I also go through periods where I have almost too much inspiration! That's my favorite time.
Don't worry, even though you aren't inspired now, you will be soon enough. ;)

Hope this helps you feel better :D

Andrew said...

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Charlotte said...

I love your blog and must say that you should not worry about the lack of inspiration, it comes and goes, just be patient!
And it is normal to feel low sometimes, we can also learn something from the bad times.
I am so glad you liked Spain!! and willing for your new post about your trip.
Take care!

Marley said...

Hey- I'm really enjoying your blog! I've being reading back through the archives, and I think you have a great eye for putting clothes together. As a 25 year old, I can tell you that your feelings are absolutely normal for where you are at in life- it's that time when you are starting to figure everything out for this life experience. I think as you get older, you do tend to lose more and more friends- not because you've done anything wrong, but because you become more discerning and learn who you want around you. It's also fantastic to learn to love being alone- you'll miss that someday.

As for love....it means something different all the time. But I think the most important thing to remember about love is that it's both a choice and an action- the feeling just comes along with it.
Someday you may get married, and there will be days when you don't feel like you love that person- but you choose to love them anyway. It's like that with everyone.

Sorry if I sound preachy. I think I'm just telling you what I wish someone had told me.

avantgarde said...

Might I add, that

a)You are INCREDIBLY lucky to be living in NYC, THE place I want to go

b)Your polyvore outfits are amazing!

and

c)You are even LUCKIER to get to go to Spain.

I wanted to know if you'll check out my blog, we're the same age and everything. But I live in Orlando, so... not quite as chic as you, lol. I'll link you back of course.

I also read your other posts, and though I love their clothes, I agree that Urban Outfitters is way too expensive. But what were you talking about yard sales? Is that an NYC thing?

Beth said...

I think everyone wishes they were more funny, outgoing, charming etc so try not to worry about it.
I bet you have loads of great qualities (for example you said you feel confident and you are nice) which other people wish they had.
And just make sure you keep in touch with your old friends, or get to know your new aquantences a bit better and then voila you have lots of friends!
Lol I know it isnt that simple but you are young and beautiful so quite worrying!
Life is too short :)
Love this refreshing honest post by the way, hope you feel more inspired soon.
Beth xx

Kat said...

That sculpture is a show piece for one's living room.

Tomorrow, we all hope, to be OK.

Nice blog!

Lauren said...

I hate feeling uninspired! It happens a lot but then just hits me!

x x x

Fashion Splash said...

Spain is quite the eye-opener isnt it? it is just so different from america. all the partying and going out and the people are so relaxed.
i read ur last post and i totally understand you, as an european living in america i notice how teenagers overstress somethings like SAT scores or college shit. honestly it is not worth it, at our age, to be constantly immersed in school work and after school activities. we need our free fun time.
looking forward to another spain post!

Closet Full of Nothing said...

Would love to see more pics from Spain!! we all go through moments feeling uninspired.. it's perfectly normal :) Love your blog!

M said...

I want you to come back and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one! I like your blog so much, looking forward to reading your next post.

Kisses from Spain :)

*LoVeRs and FrIeNdS* said...

Hi, I know you'll love me but I am not a lesbian. haha. Just kidding.
I am also feeling the same way as you. Hardly any friends at all or just a few close friends. But count yourself lucky that you still have a fantastic fashiopn sense while I suck at dressing. I really wish I have a friend who is willing to shop with me and teach me how to dress in cool clothings. And I am 2 years older than you! Sign.. Yeah. Why can't we be like that other girl who have so many frineds, so easygoing and funny. I wonder that too but society'sjust like that. But I am sure there will be some people out there who will be honored to be your friend. If you really can;t find anyone, I guess don't waste too much of your effort on it as it can be very emotionally draining and destructive. Instead, enjoy your freedom of not needing to tag along with a frined because you need one or have he/she tags along with you because she is happy to be your friend. So, just be confident and be more aware of how you are around others and don't feel inferior to others!

El mundo de Emily said...

Did you enjoy my country? I´m from Barcelona!

asian said...

I just found your blog and I ‘am stunned by this image you posted. A carving wood, I totally love it.

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It said...

You have very exquisite posted images on all your blog post. It’s just so amazing to look at.

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A and A said...

your blog is lovely... such a refreshing breath when there are beautiful insightful words to move along with beautiful photos.
Just got back from New York and just looove it.

xx lots of love from San Francisco.
amy and alex

http://refusestolabel.blogspot.com

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