Tuesday, August 11, 2009

If you comment, I'll love you forever


I've tried to reason myself to make another intricate Spain post, but I've started to feel terribly dry, and uninspired to write anything interesting enough for the public. I have started to write the first drafts of my college essay, and I have started another blog- but it's completely and utterly private. Basically for writing about my deeper thoughts, things that I don't think people would want to read if I paid them to.

But I think I'll give you a taste, because really, I can't write anything else. I promise a Spain post eventually.

It's like, sometimes I feel so confident and great (I've started a mission to wear no makeup! I've started to primp my face and pamper my skin.) and in the mornings when I get dressed, I know I gained a few pounds after I came back from the trip, but it doesnt bother me all too much (yet).

But then in the nighttime, when I have more time to think, I start to go insane! All I can think about is how my life is going to change so quickly soon (college). Or I start to think about what I wish I were doing at that very moment, if only I were older, had a car, I could do so many things that I want to- to travel and experience things, you know? Or I'll start to dream about the spain trip and I start to miss it terribly, because it opened my eyes to how much my life has become a routine. I really want to go out into the city at night with a good friend, and be carefree. And I start to really wish my life were different, that maybe I'd be happier, and all those superficial and ungrateful thoughts come rushing- that if onlyyy if onlyyy if onlyyy.

Ugh, and the most pathetic of all, is that I feel like now I only have a few friends left- not because I did anything wrong (I dont think), but rather because last year I think that I sort of lost touch with my best friend, and then I slowly started to lose touch with other friends, and as soon as you can blink, I don't really have friends I can really count on, but instead a huge amount of friendly aquiantances. And then that starts to get me worried about how I'm not the most outgoing person, and i kind of wish I weren't so anxious in front of poeple I feel intimidated by, and how I really try to be less shy but sometimes it's just so hard. Just unpleasant thoughts. I wish I could change my personality and be funnier, and more outgoing, charming, and amazing, but I'm just a boring but nice girl. Well at least I think so.

So I guess I'm a shy, confused, dreaming, slightly-lonely, sketchy-blogger, who can't inspire herself to write for her life.


I think this is the most important thing= And I don't know if my guy friend will read this, but ever since the Spain trip, I've just become so confused with everything- like what love is, and what life is, and who I am as a person. And I feel terrible, because I put so much strain on the relationship, but unfortunatly we're not really together anymore, because of me. Because I don't really know what I'm looking for anymore. I don't understand what real love means anymore. Gah. I sound really dramatic, but that's how it goes. Does anyone understand that feeling?

So, that's my post. Thanks to those who have kept commenting me, I really appreciate it! Every time someone comments, I can't help but feel good that someone actually read what I wrote, or took the time to click on my blog. Thanks so much, it's really kind of all of you! =]

-New York Chique